Some Very Sad News!!!

Unfortunately, I am going to take the rest of November off from blogging, because... dundundun I AM WRITING A BOOK!!

That's right, me and Marc are in this novel-writing contest, and we each need 50,000 words by the end of the month in order to win. Marc's story is about kids who steal stuff, and my story is in the exact style of my diary entries!!! How fun, basically I am writing down my life.

Anyway, I didn't want to keep my nice readers hanging in suspense, so that is why I will be on sick leave until December. Good bye!

Sehr Gut!

wednesday, october 26

8:54am

                Gooooood morning, sunshines! Guess who comes home in two days? I’ll give you a hint: he wears glasses and his name is Marc. And two days, that’s no time at all! If you got hit by a truck and went into a coma but you woke up after two days, some of your extended family wouldn’t even be at your bedside yet! Because two days is not enough time for travelling to pay your last respects to someone in a coma!

                What I am trying to say is that Marc will be here in just a few blinks of an eye.

8:59am

                No offense to the coma patients who can’t blink their eyes because they are in a coma.

9:05am

                Oh goody, the German exchange girls are here. Every year about ten girls come over from Germany, all bundled up in their jackets and scarves, trying to learn the ways of the world from us Amerikaners. Usually what happens though is they sit in the back of the class, looking meek, and they say a few words in Deutsch once in a while.

9:15am

                Hahaha, one German girl just had her first bite of peanut-butter and jelly, and she hates it! That’s hilarious.

9:17am

                I know a couple German phrases myself. We’ve had a German boy in our Environmental Science class all year, and he’s taught us a few good sayings, like “Ich bin so geil jetzt“, which means “I’m so horny right now”.

Additionally, I can say “rainbow” (Reinderbogen) and “oxtail soup” (Ochsenschwanzsuppe).

two seconds later

                I just had a revelation.

  German is a joke language, isn’t it?

later

12:45pm

               In other news, I have begun to put on my prettiness illusion for when Marc comes home. My beauty regimen is quite rigorous—lots of face-scrubbing and nail-exfoliating. I’ve also been leaving conditioner in my hair when I go to bed so I can have silky locks. And don’t even get me started on the two tons of powder my face needs daily. I’m trying to build up my sensitive skin’s tolerance to makeup so I can go all-out when Marc comes home.

                Needless to say, it’s quite a lot of work to trick people into thinking you’re pretty.

12:52pm

                Luckily for me, my face has cooperated by giving me four ENOURMOUS zits on my chin. Thanks, body! That was cool of you!

                To make matters worse, I’ve misplaced my Boing! Industrial Strength Concealer In Beige. Right when I need an industry to hide my imperfections! What are the chances, I ask you.

12:55pm

                AND I HAVE A COLD! I’ve suddenly got the sniffles like nobody’s business. I’ve been wiping my nose so much that I’ve got little peely skins peeling away from my nostrils. Ad I soud like dis.

1:01pm

                Aww, Hendrick the German boy from Environmental Science is super excited about the exchange girls. I think they do things differently in Germany though because Hendrick is very honest about his feelings. Case in point: “You know German girls are ugly, but I want to meet them anyway.”

1:03pm

                He’s also got this box of Oreos that he won in a bet. Because he is German, he feels guilty about taking the whole box. Oh, now he’s talking.

                “I had a bet with this girl, we bet one cookie and she gave me the whole pack… I have to return them, it does not feel right. I know she wants me but I am not a slut.”

                Clearly he is a morally upstanding citizen. Germany must be proud to have him.

1:07pm

                Me and my American classmates aren’t quite as honorable though. We convinced Hendrick to give us the cookies.

later

3:35pm

                Oh, dear Shiva. This kid just came up to me in the hallway and said, “I’ve seen you around and I just had to meet you. What’s your name?”

                “I’b Elaid.”

                “Elaid?”

                “Doh, Elaid.”

                “Wow, nice to meet you, Elaid! I love your name, that’s so exotic.”

3:38pm

                If Shiva the Destroyer really cared about me, he’d destroy my mucus. Please, Shivvy? Please?

two seconds later

                Mucus is still here. I suspect that Shiva the Destroyer is a false god.

Homecoming Hijinks

tuesday, october 18

12:45pm

                Sitting in the waiting room at the hospital, shooting the breeze before my ultrasound. I am not pregnant but I have ovary complications so the doctors need to poke around my pelvic region for a bit. It’s all in good fun, mostly, except for the fact that I am sitting in the ultrasound ward with the pregnant ladies.

               They think I’m a teen mom.

12:47pm

                But it's not all fun and games here in the pregnancy wing. I also have to drink a liter of water within the next fifteen minutes, cause the ultrasound only works when you have a full bladder. A liter, in case you are European or dyslexic and you don’t know measurements, IS A LOT OF WATER.

                I think I am going to be sick.

12:50pm

                My mom is telling me to stop whining so much because, quoth the raven, “It’s just water”. Easy for her to say, she’s never had the Pee Parade marching around in her bladder.

12:51pm

                Texted Marc about the teen mom thing. His response: “You’re pregnant? If it’s another gay one, I’m leaving you.”

                Ha. Hahahahahahaha.

12:52pm

                But you didn’t peek at my diary to read ultrasound jokery, now did you? You want to know what happened at Homecoming!

                Well, it was overall a high-quality time. Decent Will picked me up and we did pictures and he didn’t look like Two-Face, aside from a pink scar on his one cheek. Then we went out to dinner, which was nice, although I have forgotten how to act around boys. Ever since Marc left, I have been somewhat isolated from the Y chromosome. Luckily, Decent Will was very decent about it. He hardly got offended at all when I accidentally made fun of his concussion.

five minutes later

                We only stayed at the actual Homecoming dance for ten minutes because it was très pathétique, as they say in Franceland. You know what I mean, every girl trying too hard to look pretty, but really only looking like they’re trying too hard. Lots of super-short, super-tight dresses, really not flattering at all because they show every spare ounce of lipid. It was dead depressing.

                Me and Decent Will ended up at his house, making apple cider and watching three episodes of Modern Family.

later

                Anyway, the whole thing was fun but also a tad choleric because I missed Marc. When I came home, my mama asked me how my night was, and I burst into tears! My mother was quite perplexed. “What’s wrong? Did you and Will have a fight?”

                “No,” I said. “I just miss Marc a lot.” My eyes were flowing like the Hoover Dam, it was straight embarrassing.

                On a less Waterloo note, Marc comes home in a mere ten days! I can fit all of those days on one hand, I don’t even have to fake it anymore!

1:35pm

                Two hands. I meant two hands.

                Oooh, ultrasound time, finally! Thank Krishna, I was about to pee myself like an elephant in July.

half hour later

                That was fun, the gel was really warm. I appreciated that because it is a little frosty outside and I am wearing my Emilia Earhart outfit, which consists of a green army-type jacket, a red scarf, and a little skirt. I feel like a pilot with this ensemble on, but sadly it does not protect me against the elements.

                Anyway, that gel warmed me right up. Too my gallbladder was holding a liter of water. We could see it on the screen; it kept getting bigger, even the doctor commented on it. Talk about embarrassing.

3:24pm

                Relaxing at home for a few minutes, then I’ll have to go back to school for band practice. I stopped at Goodwill on my way home, and guess what I bought! I’ll tell you what I bought! I got a really ugly Christmas sweater.

3:39pm

                I love ugly Christmas sweaters, they’ve been my secret passion for a while now. Goodwill is full of them, so I’ll definitely be going back and buying more. My goal is to make them a trend at school, and since I’m a really smooth operator it’ll probably work.

it'll totally catch on.

later

7:55pm

                Went downstairs with my Christmas sweater on, and my ever-supportive family freaked out. Not because I looked so cute, but because they thought it was a horrible sweater. Even my doggy Jazz had a fit, and he’s colorblind.

8:24pm

                My mom started lecturing me again about doing some studying. I didn’t want to listen so I laid on the floor and pretended I was a rug. It was a really effective strategy, if you ask me.

Alone in the World

friday, october 14

homecoming football day

6:35am

                Beautiful morning. Clouds clouding, rain raining, Marc coming home in fifteen days (he’s been gone for sixty-seven days. Not that I’m obsessively keeping track. I just happen to know these things). AND I’M GOING TO HOMECOMING!

7:00am

                Our nice fuzzy dog Jazz is drinking from his water bowl. He has a peculiar way of doing it, he uses his jaw to scoop up the water and then he drinks until he pukes. I’m not sure why he does it, but I’ve never seen him take just a few sips like a normal dog.

                My sister says Jazz learned the puking technique from a pit bull at the dog park.

7:15am

                What if poor Jazzy has self-esteem issues? What if he’s got a doggy eating disorder because he wants to look pretty?

7:17am

                Somebody should tell Jazz that looks aren’t everything. Take Decent Will, for example. He turned into Two-Face thanks to his bike accident, and yet he still got a date to Homecoming! And that date is none other than the wonderful, feisty old me! So there is hope for everybody.

later

4:56pm

                Remember that time when I thought I was wonderful and feisty? I take it all back. Today we had a Pep Rally to get everyone excited about the football game, and I was chosen to represent the Senior class during one of the Pep Rally Games! “Which game, Elaine?” you may be asking yourself. Well, actually, you are asking me in that case. I will give you hints even though you are a little confused and not so bright for a diary-peeker:

Hint One: There were four games total.

Hint Two: It wasn’t the game where you had to pull tissues out of the tissue box.

Hint Three: It wasn’t the game where you had to keep three balloons up in the air.

Hint Four: It wasn’t the game where you had to hike a football through a hula hoop.

Have you figured it out yet??? Okay, I’ll tell you.

It was the game where you had to tie a yo-yo to your butt and knock over empty cans with it.

two seconds later

                It was so embarrassing. I had to swing my butt around in front of the entire senior class so that I could control where the yo-yo went. I ended up just cheating and sneakily knocking over the cans with my foot because I don’t have too good control over my gluteus maximus.

5:15pm

                I lost to the sophomore class representative anyway, though. That kid knew how to wiggle.

saturday, october 15

homecoming dance day

4:00pm

                Oh boy. Time to get ready for the Homecoming dance. Decent Will is going to pick me up at seven, so I only have three hours to get ready. I will probably go simple, you know. Red dress, Egyptian necklace, ten-inch heels, five thousand tons of makeup products, an entire bottle of hairspray. Just your basic formal date ensemble.

4:05pm

                But first, I’m going to videochat with Marc!

4:15pm

                Well that was a disaster. Marc ended up getting mad at me for something small like going to Homecoming with another man, so he said “Hey screw you” and logged off. Long-distance can be hard, I’m telling you. I’m feeling quite subdued.

 I’m going to put on my makeup while listening to music from Shrek and feeling like the protagonista in a chick flick.

4:17pm

                IT IS YOU I HAVE LOVED, ALL ALOOOOONG!

                Sniff sniff.

on a more positive note, here's a picture of me whisking cake batter out of my hair. i would tell you why but there is honestly no good reason for it.

Racial Profiling

wednesday, october 12
7:00am
       Goooooood morning America! It is Homecoming Week, and hence it is
also Spirit Week! Today is Gangster Day, which is perfect for me,
since we all already know what an excellent rapper I am.
       Ooh, I am looking fresh today! Got my sweatpants, and my gangster
hat, and my gold chain… watch out, high school, here comes Swagg
Golden.

7:36am
       Swagg Golden, driving to school… at a stop light, ho hum. Still looking fresh.

7:45am
       Oh dear, I just got pulled over by a cop. He used his flashers and
everything! He says I have an expired vehicle registration—apparently
it expired in September. Oh, GOOD CATCH, OFFICER, YOU REALLY CAUGHT ME
THERE. September ended like two days ago! Does he really not have
anything better to do?

two seconds later
       My house got robbed during my freshman year, you know, and they never
found the burglars. He could be working on bringing them to justice
instead of blaming the victim, aka me.

7:50am
       He’s sitting in his car right now. The flashers are still on and we
are right outside school, which is somewhat mortifying. I wanna drive
away but he’s got my license.

7:52am
       HE GAVE ME A COURT SUMMONS! I hate my life.

7:53am
       Just realized that I was dressed up as Swagg Golden the entire time.
No wonder that copper pulled me over. He was profiling me!

two seconds later
       I got racially profiled!

later
9:03am
       Well that is just my luck, that I would basically get arrested on the
one day I look like a hoodlum.

9:15am
       I’m not sure Gangster Day was an appropriate choice for a Spirit Day,
because loads of kids in our school dress like gangsters normally, so
I can’t tell who’s got school spirit and who’s just a juvenile
delinquent.

9:20am
       Also, today the underclassmen are taking their PSATs, so we have to
stay in first period for a whopping three hours. Luckily I’ve got
Psychology, so me and my best friend Atheist Tim are hanging out and
getting ham.

two seconds later
       By “getting ham” I do not mean that we are purchasing meat. We are
not. “Getting ham” is a gangster phrase that I overheard this morning,
and I’m not sure what it means but it sounds like a good phrase for
Swagg Golden to use.

9:45am
       Our teacher showed us a video about an old guy with the worst case of
amnesia ever. His memory only lasts for thirty seconds! All the other
kids in our class are depressed about it, but it’s making me full of
sunshine. Because get this, the guy can recognize his wife, but every
time he sees her, he thinks it’s the first time in years! He gets so
excited and he loves her soooo much!

9:51am
       I wish Marc had amnesia, then he’d never take me for granted!

10:00am
       Although if he had amnesia, he wouldn’t be able to carry a good
conversation. Oh well, who cares, Swagg Golden can talk enough for the
both of us!

10:40am
       Now we are going down to the school library to make a resume. Resumes
are a requirement to graduate but I think they’re useless. These are
supposed to help us secure a job in the future, but let’s be honest
with our own minds here, no college grad is going to give a potential
employer a high school resume!

10:42am
       “Yeah, you should consider me for an internship because I ran
cross-country when I was a high school freshman.”
       You see what I mean? It just doesn’t work.

10:45am
       Screamy the Guidance Counselor is in charge of getting us to do our
resumes. I’m quite frightened of her. Though to be fair, I would be
screamy too if my job was completely useless.

10:46am
       I think these resumes are a way for Screamy, aka The Man to keep my swagg under
control. And guess what? I already had a run-in with the popo today, I
don’t feel like interacting with The Man anymore! So I am going to
goof off.

noon
       Goofed off with Atheist Tim for a straight hour. Power to the people!

later
4:00pm
       Time to get tutored in math. My toot is a pretty nice woman, except I
get stressed when she watches me add fractions, and she gets upset
when I forget to carry my negative signs. Also it’s embarrassing that
I am being tutored in a class I’ve taken for three years straight.

5:32pm
       Done with tutoring! My toot was a bit frustrated today because I
remembered my calculator but forgot my textbook. Oh well, she needs to
learn that you can’t have everything in life!
       Now I am heading over to Marc’s house to make caramel apples with his
sister, Tough Annie.

later
9:00pm
       I’m home! The caramel apples were a raging success, except all the
caramel slid off by the time I brought mine home. Tough Annie got
really tough when we didn’t have any popsicle sticks for the apples.
It ended up being okay though, we just bought more at Food Lion.
       During dinner, Marc’s parents told me embarrassing stories from his
childhood. Apparently he was a fat blob as a child, but he was also
the most brilliantest blob in all of Germany, or wherever they lived,
I lose track. 

hey, Marc!

Anyway, they can’t make fun of him anymore, because he
is a beanpole now. He even got to play Jesus during our church’s
Passion skit for the younger kids. The youth director casted him as
Jesus because, as she put it, he looks “skinny and malnourished”.

later
9:33pm
       Best news ever!!!!

two seconds later
       I HAVE A HOMECOMING DATE!!!

9:34pm
       I am so happy! I was feeling left out of the Homecoming festivities
because, despite my good looks and astonishing popularity, I didn’t
have a date or a group of friends to go with. But then Tough Annie
suggested that I ask Decent Will, my good friend and the most decent
guy in the whole world. Decent Will is coming home this weekend from
college because he got in a bike accident and scraped up his face a
bit. I hear his brain is a little scrapey, too. Anyway, I asked him
via texty text and he said yes!

five minutes later
       But not to worry, I asked Marc’s permission first. You may think I
have a double standard, since I was upset about him getting asked to
his dance.  The answer to your foolish question is that it is NOT a
double standard because in this scenario, I am not being approached by
future prostitutes! In fact, I am the one doing the approaching! It is
a completely different situation.
       Anyways, Marc said it was a-okay for me to go with Decent Will. I
think normally he would have been jealous, but since Decent Will looks
like Two-Face on the account of his accident, there really isn’t
anything to worry about.

9:42pm
       I don’t mean to say that I am an entirely visual-oriented girl.
Personality counts, too. If it didn’t, I would be out of luck, seeing
as I have lezzy hair, a pancake face, and I wear Oobies on my hands at
night so I don’t scratch myself in my sleep. Sometimes it is only my
upstanding moral character that gets me through.

A Monkey in the Wrench

Hello my kind and compassionate diary-readers,

           You all will be happy to know that I am now the only person running this blog. That means NO MORE MARC!!!
           "Did he do a turkey-drop on Elaine?" you may be asking yourself, to which I reply, NO! ARE YOU STUPID? Of course we did not do a turkey-drop! The simple, bald-headed fact is that Marc is a busy college student who at the moment is busy writing for about a million other blogs. So he told me to take over our blog for good.
           But that's okay, right? I mean, we all know that my diary is the funniest thing since Diglett (did you ever play Pokemon? Am I the only person who is fascinated with Diglett?). So really, although you are losing the comedy gold mine that is Marc Barnes, you are really gaining it back double by reading exclusively Elaine Golden.

                 Lots of love from that very same girl.




           PS. Here's a picture of Diglett.

 

A Tribute to One of the Greatest Singers of our Time

The reason I am wearing saran wrap on my head is to keep the cake batter from sliding around in my hair. More on that later.