Moving Day!

Hello, my nice diary followers! I am moving to a new and improved location in preparation for my college years. You can peek inside my new diary at elainesprivatediary.blogspot.com. Go read it!

Here's a pair of guinea pigs for your enjoyment.

Getting Dressed in the Morning

Wuthering Hufflepuffs

tuesday, april 24
5:13pm
 Since I last saw Marc (two days ago) I have had three bouts of crying and have thrown the following at a wall:
-a washcloth
-a bottle of Mr. Clean Multi-Surface Spray
-my bra
-every other piece of clothing I own. Literally.


That may seem like an exaggeration or a bald-headed lie, but I assure you it is not. It was actually quite easy to throw all my clothes at the wall, because they were already strewn across the floor, so I didn't have to remove them from their hangers or anything. Minimal-effort sadness, that's what that is.


Now I'm sitting in my room on a pile of clothing, I'm like the Lion King of clothes.


5:23pm
At least I got to see Marc this weekend. He came home for Prom, which was on Saturday. I spent about three hours getting ready and half an hour at the actual dance. Then we went home and watched Sharktopus (which I have already seen four times, and I highly recommend it). Also I burned my forehead with a curling iron, so I now have a red welt hanging around my hairline. Attractive.

I don't think this was an intentional face, I'm pretty sure I was just blinking.

2 minutes later
Then the next day, I drove Marc up to D.C. and we had a tearful goodbye at the bus stop. Then he boarded the Megabus, which took him back to college. He'll come home for good in about 16 days, hooray!


later
It wasn't really a tearful goodbye, actually. I had kind of snuck in the Megabus line with him, and I had to duck out before the Megabus lady asked to see my ticket. So it was more of a sneaky run-away type of parting. I don't think we even hugged.


5:45pm
But on the way home I listened to sad music and cried in the car for forty-five minutes straight, so that counts for something. My face was stiff from all the tear-salt.


5:46pm
I must say, though, parting at a bus stop is tres romantic. Aside from the parting part.


2 seconds later
And the hysterical sobbing afterwards.


8:12pm
My entire family just got accounts on Pottermore so we could get Sorted into Hogwarts houses. 
Guess which house I'm in?
That's right.
Hufflepuff.


8:13pm
Are there even any Harry Potter characters in Hufflepuff? I can't think of any. It might be a ghost house or something. Or a sunken ship.


1 minute later
Neville wasn't even in Hufflepuff, and he was the most useless character around. What does that say if they can't even get the useless ones?


9:00pm
We are also reading Wuthering Heights in my English class. I really like it, it's a love story so it reminds me of Marc. People keep saying there's disturbing, depressing subtext or something, but I'm not catching any of it, it just seems sweet to me. Cathy and Heathcliff, playing in the mountains, la la la. Cathy says their souls are made of the same stuff, which I think is the most romantic thing ever.


later
I wonder what my soul is made out of? Probably Hufflepuff, whatever that is.


9:12pm
I heard a rumor that Cathy dies or something, but I don't think it'll happen. That seems too morbid for this cute love story.

heathcliff + cathy 4ever

souls made of sunshine and rainbows

Guess Who's Coming to Town? (Hint: It's Me!)

           Hello everybody! I am back, and in the Christmas spirit for sure! Christmas is all about giving. So far I have given everyone around me a headache. But that is not the point.


         The point is, I am a very happy reindeer today, because Marc comes home tomorrow night! Unfortunately, I don't know what to wear. I have spent hours (okay, minutes) fretting over the perfect outfit. It has to be something that looks somewhat wholesome and yet flattering and Christmas-y. Also, it can't look like I am trying too hard. And it can't look desperate. I was thinking about wearing my Christmas sweater, but my dearest materfamilias has forbidden me to leave the house with it on.


           Speaking of reindeer, hello to all my Swedish friends out there! Or, as they say in Swedenlanguage, bonjour!  The rumor on the street is that I have quite a large following in Sweden (maybe two people?). I hope my diary is cool and American enough for you hip European-types.


            Anyway, here is my life in sum over the past month. I have highlighted the main points in case you are too busy to read the whole thing. I also think that classic 'works of literature' should come with highlighted main points, but that is a whole different story altogether.

My Life, Up Until This Point

by Elaine

1. Lots and lots of college applications. It is quite a grueling process, and it has taken its toll on me. My skin is breaking out so bad that my mother has forced me to wear band-aids on my face. It's made me wonder, why do I even have to go to college in the first place? Why can't I just stay home and eat Spaghetti-Os out of the can for the rest of my life? That sounds fulfilling to me.


2. Thanksgiving. I like eating meat, but other than that, I'm not a big fan of Thanksgiving food... does that make me unAmerican? (Maybe you Swedes out there can relate to me better now).


3. Oh, yeah, I'm still working on my diary-type story! Hopefully I will finish it and then become famous. You all can say you knew me first when it is a best seller.


4. I want a pet for Christmas that is not a dog, but my mother says no (are we seeing a recurring theme here? Just kidding, I love you, Mami!). I don't like dogs because they are intelligent enough to actively dislike me. A smaller animal like a mouse doesn't have emotions, so I could pick it up and pet it whenever I wanted. I especially would like seamonkeys, since they come in a packet and you don't have to feed them.


             That's about it, I'm sorry I'm not more exciting. Once Marc comes home (tomorrow!), I will have loads of festive stories and wacky hijinks to write about. Until then, as they say in Sweden, jawohl!

Some Very Sad News!!!

Unfortunately, I am going to take the rest of November off from blogging, because... dundundun I AM WRITING A BOOK!!

That's right, me and Marc are in this novel-writing contest, and we each need 50,000 words by the end of the month in order to win. Marc's story is about kids who steal stuff, and my story is in the exact style of my diary entries!!! How fun, basically I am writing down my life.

Anyway, I didn't want to keep my nice readers hanging in suspense, so that is why I will be on sick leave until December. Good bye!

Sehr Gut!

wednesday, october 26

8:54am

                Gooooood morning, sunshines! Guess who comes home in two days? I’ll give you a hint: he wears glasses and his name is Marc. And two days, that’s no time at all! If you got hit by a truck and went into a coma but you woke up after two days, some of your extended family wouldn’t even be at your bedside yet! Because two days is not enough time for travelling to pay your last respects to someone in a coma!

                What I am trying to say is that Marc will be here in just a few blinks of an eye.

8:59am

                No offense to the coma patients who can’t blink their eyes because they are in a coma.

9:05am

                Oh goody, the German exchange girls are here. Every year about ten girls come over from Germany, all bundled up in their jackets and scarves, trying to learn the ways of the world from us Amerikaners. Usually what happens though is they sit in the back of the class, looking meek, and they say a few words in Deutsch once in a while.

9:15am

                Hahaha, one German girl just had her first bite of peanut-butter and jelly, and she hates it! That’s hilarious.

9:17am

                I know a couple German phrases myself. We’ve had a German boy in our Environmental Science class all year, and he’s taught us a few good sayings, like “Ich bin so geil jetzt“, which means “I’m so horny right now”.

Additionally, I can say “rainbow” (Reinderbogen) and “oxtail soup” (Ochsenschwanzsuppe).

two seconds later

                I just had a revelation.

  German is a joke language, isn’t it?

later

12:45pm

               In other news, I have begun to put on my prettiness illusion for when Marc comes home. My beauty regimen is quite rigorous—lots of face-scrubbing and nail-exfoliating. I’ve also been leaving conditioner in my hair when I go to bed so I can have silky locks. And don’t even get me started on the two tons of powder my face needs daily. I’m trying to build up my sensitive skin’s tolerance to makeup so I can go all-out when Marc comes home.

                Needless to say, it’s quite a lot of work to trick people into thinking you’re pretty.

12:52pm

                Luckily for me, my face has cooperated by giving me four ENOURMOUS zits on my chin. Thanks, body! That was cool of you!

                To make matters worse, I’ve misplaced my Boing! Industrial Strength Concealer In Beige. Right when I need an industry to hide my imperfections! What are the chances, I ask you.

12:55pm

                AND I HAVE A COLD! I’ve suddenly got the sniffles like nobody’s business. I’ve been wiping my nose so much that I’ve got little peely skins peeling away from my nostrils. Ad I soud like dis.

1:01pm

                Aww, Hendrick the German boy from Environmental Science is super excited about the exchange girls. I think they do things differently in Germany though because Hendrick is very honest about his feelings. Case in point: “You know German girls are ugly, but I want to meet them anyway.”

1:03pm

                He’s also got this box of Oreos that he won in a bet. Because he is German, he feels guilty about taking the whole box. Oh, now he’s talking.

                “I had a bet with this girl, we bet one cookie and she gave me the whole pack… I have to return them, it does not feel right. I know she wants me but I am not a slut.”

                Clearly he is a morally upstanding citizen. Germany must be proud to have him.

1:07pm

                Me and my American classmates aren’t quite as honorable though. We convinced Hendrick to give us the cookies.

later

3:35pm

                Oh, dear Shiva. This kid just came up to me in the hallway and said, “I’ve seen you around and I just had to meet you. What’s your name?”

                “I’b Elaid.”

                “Elaid?”

                “Doh, Elaid.”

                “Wow, nice to meet you, Elaid! I love your name, that’s so exotic.”

3:38pm

                If Shiva the Destroyer really cared about me, he’d destroy my mucus. Please, Shivvy? Please?

two seconds later

                Mucus is still here. I suspect that Shiva the Destroyer is a false god.

Homecoming Hijinks

tuesday, october 18

12:45pm

                Sitting in the waiting room at the hospital, shooting the breeze before my ultrasound. I am not pregnant but I have ovary complications so the doctors need to poke around my pelvic region for a bit. It’s all in good fun, mostly, except for the fact that I am sitting in the ultrasound ward with the pregnant ladies.

               They think I’m a teen mom.

12:47pm

                But it's not all fun and games here in the pregnancy wing. I also have to drink a liter of water within the next fifteen minutes, cause the ultrasound only works when you have a full bladder. A liter, in case you are European or dyslexic and you don’t know measurements, IS A LOT OF WATER.

                I think I am going to be sick.

12:50pm

                My mom is telling me to stop whining so much because, quoth the raven, “It’s just water”. Easy for her to say, she’s never had the Pee Parade marching around in her bladder.

12:51pm

                Texted Marc about the teen mom thing. His response: “You’re pregnant? If it’s another gay one, I’m leaving you.”

                Ha. Hahahahahahaha.

12:52pm

                But you didn’t peek at my diary to read ultrasound jokery, now did you? You want to know what happened at Homecoming!

                Well, it was overall a high-quality time. Decent Will picked me up and we did pictures and he didn’t look like Two-Face, aside from a pink scar on his one cheek. Then we went out to dinner, which was nice, although I have forgotten how to act around boys. Ever since Marc left, I have been somewhat isolated from the Y chromosome. Luckily, Decent Will was very decent about it. He hardly got offended at all when I accidentally made fun of his concussion.

five minutes later

                We only stayed at the actual Homecoming dance for ten minutes because it was très pathétique, as they say in Franceland. You know what I mean, every girl trying too hard to look pretty, but really only looking like they’re trying too hard. Lots of super-short, super-tight dresses, really not flattering at all because they show every spare ounce of lipid. It was dead depressing.

                Me and Decent Will ended up at his house, making apple cider and watching three episodes of Modern Family.

later

                Anyway, the whole thing was fun but also a tad choleric because I missed Marc. When I came home, my mama asked me how my night was, and I burst into tears! My mother was quite perplexed. “What’s wrong? Did you and Will have a fight?”

                “No,” I said. “I just miss Marc a lot.” My eyes were flowing like the Hoover Dam, it was straight embarrassing.

                On a less Waterloo note, Marc comes home in a mere ten days! I can fit all of those days on one hand, I don’t even have to fake it anymore!

1:35pm

                Two hands. I meant two hands.

                Oooh, ultrasound time, finally! Thank Krishna, I was about to pee myself like an elephant in July.

half hour later

                That was fun, the gel was really warm. I appreciated that because it is a little frosty outside and I am wearing my Emilia Earhart outfit, which consists of a green army-type jacket, a red scarf, and a little skirt. I feel like a pilot with this ensemble on, but sadly it does not protect me against the elements.

                Anyway, that gel warmed me right up. Too my gallbladder was holding a liter of water. We could see it on the screen; it kept getting bigger, even the doctor commented on it. Talk about embarrassing.

3:24pm

                Relaxing at home for a few minutes, then I’ll have to go back to school for band practice. I stopped at Goodwill on my way home, and guess what I bought! I’ll tell you what I bought! I got a really ugly Christmas sweater.

3:39pm

                I love ugly Christmas sweaters, they’ve been my secret passion for a while now. Goodwill is full of them, so I’ll definitely be going back and buying more. My goal is to make them a trend at school, and since I’m a really smooth operator it’ll probably work.

it'll totally catch on.

later

7:55pm

                Went downstairs with my Christmas sweater on, and my ever-supportive family freaked out. Not because I looked so cute, but because they thought it was a horrible sweater. Even my doggy Jazz had a fit, and he’s colorblind.

8:24pm

                My mom started lecturing me again about doing some studying. I didn’t want to listen so I laid on the floor and pretended I was a rug. It was a really effective strategy, if you ask me.