Elaine's Diary, aka "He was Looking Quite Vervy with his Longsleeve Shirt On..."

thursday, september 29

6:45am

                Good morning, leg hair. Good morning, alarm clock. Good morning, enormous spots on my face. Good to see you all today. Good to know you’re still hanging around. I would have been very sad if one of you had disappeared during the night.

9:15am

                Once again I am attending the Unethical Treatment of Students, aka Psychology class. Our teacher, Mr. Turner, likes to take advantage of our young and impressionable minds to do experiments on us. They are supposed to teach us things about, I dunno, something called conditioning or whatever.

                Oh boy, he’s telling us we’re gonna play a game. This is going to end up with half the class being the lab rats and half of the class being the smart scientists. It always does.

9:17am

                I am a lab rat. Típico.

9:45am

                That was so dumb. I got paired up with Tim and he gave me a list of words and told me to read it and he’d give me points if I said the right ones. Eventually, and by ‘eventually’ I mean ‘after about a minute’, I got frustrated and said a couple really good swear words at him. Then I refused to say anything else and Tim got upset because the experiment wasn't going as planned. Or maybe he was just upset about the swears.

later

english class

Alright! Our English teacher is out so the student teacher is instructing the class today! This is going to be great. She is very timid about reprimanding students, so I can text to my heart’s content with no fear of retribution. Type text or a website address or translate a document.

10:45am

                Our essay prompt today is a really long quote about how to carpe diem, as they say in Jolly Old England. None of us are doing it because the quote is too long. Miss Timid is floundering about like a flounder on the seafloor. Nobody feels bad because we are byproducts of the American school system, and therefore fairly heartless.

10:54am

                Oh, this is fantastic. Miss Timid told us we were just going to discuss our reactions to the quote instead of writing the essay. Probably she noticed that only Unfortunate Liam even had a notebook out.

10:55am

                Now we are in a ‘discussion’. Once again, Unfortunate Liam is lisping away about how beautiful poetry is and how you can memorize a thousand books, but a smart man reads a million. Or something. I’m not quite sure what he’s trying to say, but it’s definitely off-topic, so I’m going to encourage him.

10:57am

                Unfortunate Liam: I just really think that quoting poetry makes everything in life better.

                Me: Yeah, like when you’re having intercourse and you quote the Song of Songs.

Cue pandemonium! We are never getting back from this one.

11:37am

Dangit, Miss Timid has somehow got us on task. Now we are reading The Rime of the Ancient Mariner. I like it loads better than Heart of Dapoaeghoieh because it uses actual English words.

two minutes later

                Oh dear, somebody just asked what a ‘rime’ was.

11:56am

              This is a disgusting poem, the Ancient Mariner is prancing around with a dead pelican hanging off his neck. That is foul.

11:57am

                The Ancient Mariner just met Life-in-Death, who is a beautiful woman. I don’t think she was impressed by him though because, number one, she killed all his crewmates, and number two, he’s got a dead pelican hanging off his neck.

Actually, I bet she’s a metaphor for sex.  We are reading Love Medicine outside of class, and that book is all about Indians getting healed through sex. So I know a lot about those kinds of metaphors now.

after lunch

                Ate lunch in the band room because I am somewhat anti-social. Mr Thomas, the band director, tried to make me leave his desk and eat somewhere else, because I had spread my tuna salad lunch all over his work space. Do you know what I told him? I said, “I’m a drum major, I do what I want.”

                “That’s true, unfortunately,” he said, but his tone of voice said “I am not appreciating your spunk and energy right now.” Then he reminded me that I was only a drum major during marching band rehearsals, and that he was the only person in the world with authority over me.

                He is actually right about that, I haven’t been respectful to any adult but him in ages.

8:30pm

                My mom emailed my Spanish teacher about my grade because she is a member of the Third Reich. But guess what my teacher said! She said that I have “verve” and that I am a “cool kid”! Somebody thinks I’m cool!

8:31pm

                What’s verve?

two seconds later

               It’s slang for a drug, isn’t it. I bet it’s slang for a drug.

Two seconds later

                Actually, it sounds like a Calculus term. After you find the trajectory of f(x), you calculate the verve. Yeaaah.

10:48pm

                Yo chill bro, pass me some of that verve.

10:50pm

                The Life-in-Death lady became really verve when she saw that the Ancient Mariner had a dead pelican hung round his neck.

10:51pm

                Why are you offended? Did I hit a verve when I called you a ‘fat sluggish lardbucket’?

10:54pm

                Speaking of lardbuckets, except actually I’m going to be speaking of the opposite of a lardbucket, which is a beanpole. So, speaking of beanpoles, Marc comes home in a mere 29 days! I did a webcam chat with him and it was nice, except sometimes when I run out of things to say I display autistic symptoms.

                He was really looking quite vervy with his long-sleeve shirt on.

Elaine's Diary, aka Birthday Town

thursday, september 22

9:15am

                Today is my birthday! Happy birthday to my acne-prone face and to my chappy lips! Although, typical, I am once again sick, this time with strep throat. The fever I had a week ago wasn’t so bad because I was just delusional, and that is fairly normal for me. Today however, my throat is so swollen that I can’t swallow Advil! The little pillys get stuck in my throat! How sad is that?

                Très, très triste, as they say in Frenchland. I am trying to expand my knowledge base, which is why I am speaking en français. I have also learned a couple very good Spanish swear words.  For instance, “Me cago en todo lo que se menea” means “I poop on everything that moves”.

               I love languages.     

9:45am

                I conducted a scientific experiment yesterday called “Can I apply mascara to my leg hair?” And guess what? I totally can. It makes me look like a gorilla, but it works.

9:49am

But it was waterproof mascara, so it didn’t rinse away in the shower. I have to wear jeans until I can find the time to rub it off.

9:50am

                Did a little peek at my leg hair while the teacher was writing on the board, and holy crap I may be part ape. Mascara aside, how did I ever grow leg hair long enough to look like that?

10:46am

environmental science

                I don’t know how this happened, but literally everyone in my EnviSci class is a rascally street urchin. What are the chances? Probably one in a million because, I mean, every single person is a scallywag, that's gotta be the biggest coincidence ever. I swear I am the only sane one in there.

10:50am

                Although to be fair, I do have Unfortunate Liam in that class, who is not really a scallywag. Mostly he is just impeded by his lisp.

later

                In Psychology, we learned about a study done on a baby orphan called Little Albert, where they conditioned him to fear anything that looked like a rat.  I wonder who thought that project was okay? The scientists were prolly like, “Naw man, it’ll be fine, this kid’s an orphan so the parents won’t complain.”

later

                Why is my immune system so weak all of a sudden? I can’t even swallow my own spittle. It gets stuck in my throat.

3:30pm

                I’ve taken to massaging my throat as I swallow to help my spittles go down. I look a bit of a mentally disabled student, but it makes me feel better.

3:32pm

                Speaking of the mentally disabled, I’ve got this great idea. All the special needs kids at our school push around a coffee cart in the morning and sell coffee to teachers. However, I think that us students should be allowed to buy coffee from the handicapable cart! There are three reasons for this:

1.       It would foster friendship and understanding between the normal students and the mentally deficit special kids.

2.       Oops, that was a distasteful phrase, wasn’t it?

3.       Anyway, also the other obvious benefit is COFFEE IN THE MORNING!

I’m running out of non-offensive terms for those cart kids, so I’m gonna stop now.

3:31pm

                I had two friends bring me in baked goods on my birthday! I love those kinds of girls, the ones who bake sweeties on special occasions. I myself cannot cook anything aside from soup and apple cider.

7:00pm

                At home, celebrating Birthday Town! Today is me and my sister’s birthday, and yesterday was my father’s. My little brother’s will be in a week, so right now it's an all-out sugarfest in my household. Maybe my throat will let me swallow some eighteenth-birthday ice cream cake.

7:03pm

                Owwwwww, that was really painful! I hate my life.

later

                Although my life is not so bad anymore. I can do many things now that I am a legal adult. I can vote and smoke and buy lottery tickets and porn and get drafted (although my ever-supportive father says no army in their right mind would take me as a soldier). I cannot buy alcohol yet though because I live in a totalitarian Protestant state, aka America.

11:30pm

                I got a lot of nice things for my birthday! First and best of all, I got a WEBCAM so I can TALK TO MY COLLEGE FRIENDS AND SEE THEIR FACES AT THE SAME TIME! Now Marc has no excuse for ignoring me. I also got quite a few giftcards, and my grandmother, who usually sends me a sheet of stickers on holidays, has branched out this year and bought me an anklet. So that is nice.

11:46pm

                My little sister got some dog training stuff for Jazzy, our nice puppy. He is full of fur, you know. Sometimes you can’t even see his eyes. I have a theory that his hair is connected to his brain, and that’s why he’s so stupid all the time, because his brain is hanging out of his skin, looking like fur. I call this theory “hairsmarts”.

11:49pm

                His hairsmarts tell him to pee on everything while we’re out. He also likes to drink all the water in his dogbowl and then throw up. What a cutie!

11:50pm

                All in all, it was a good birthday, I think things went off without a hitch. Aside from not being able to swallow and having to put up with Unfortunate Liam. Oh yeah, and not including having gorilla leg hair.

 Marc tells me that’s the limit of our relationship, putting mascara on my leg hair. However, that’s also what he said about me obsessively stalking church conference photos and finding him in the crowd. And he didn’t break up with me then. So I’m not worrying about my apeish ancestry.

No big deal.

Boys and Girls

You remember this argument?

Well back in kindergarten I didn't know much about girls.

So I always lost. 

But I realize that if I could have had the knowledge that I have now, I would've won every time.

Which goes to show that knowledge and philosophy are very important.

OMG

because 

is a lot like 

we get hits from really weird blogs.

Find a new name, lainey.

UPDATE!

Urban Dictionary: OOBIES

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=OOBIES - Cached -Block all www.urbandictionary.com results

The most magnificent pair of breasts you will ever see in your life.

OK, so they really are boobies. Goodness, Elaine what have you been talking about all this time? Do you still like boys?

Elaine's Diary, aka Turkey Drop

sunday, september 18

9:41am

                Guess how many days until Marc comes home??? ANSWER: ONLY FORTY!!! Forty days, that’s just like Lent! Easy! Well, aside from all the prayer and fasting and general unhappiness that goes on because, spoiler alert, Jesus dies at the end. But then, double reverse spoiler alert, he COMES BACK TO LIFE! What a cool guy.

                Basically what I am trying to say is that in a mere Lent-type time, Marc will come back into my very difficult and long-suffering life, just like Jesus.

9:50am

                Man, I sure have some crazy bedhead going on. I spent the night at Lydia’s with a couple other girls, and I must have been doing a headstand in my sleep because not even copious amounts of gel will make my poor follicles behave.     

9:51am

                I think the gel just made my hair worse, actually. Wow, it’s like a regular Trojan Rebellion up there. Or something.

11:00am

                On Friday, I spent my lunch hour in the WIH-ZUR section of the library again. The librarians were trying to teach a bunch of freshman delinquents how to read, or something. I listened in and the lecture went about like this:

Ms. Librarian: Here in the library, we have a bunch of really neat books that you all can read whenever  you like. We have every topic you can think of.

Young Delinquent: Do you have books on drugs and like being an alcoholic?

Ms. Librarian: Why… yes, I’m sure we have a couple of fiction books dealing with difficult topics. You can find them by using the Dewey Decimal System. Does anyone know what the Dewey Decimal System is?

Baked Hipster-Type: Is it… gaaaaaaaaaaaaaay?

Ms. Librarian: ………………………Well, it’s a way of ordering books by topic. Each topic has a number.

Future Prostitute: Is there a number for sex books?

Ms. Librarian: …………………………………………………………………………………………..Well, we do have a few fiction books that discuss adult topics, but fiction books don’t have numbers.

Gang Member: What if we can’t read?

                I did appreciate Ms. Librarian’s efforts, but she didn’t get very far with the anti-socials. Eventually she gave up and let them go check out books on their own. This happened right as I was putting my head down for a nap. Predictably, the Young Delinquent clique stood around me and debated whether or not to poke me awake, so I had to pretend to wake up and then I left the library.

later

                Got into a fight with Marc on the phone. He said that I had a cranberry pancake face for no reason! Well, aside from that I have a load of red spots hanging around my cranial area. But really. He didn’t have to say that I was a cranberry pancake. That is just insensitive, and it's really only because I keep forgetting to wear my Oobies.

he has a bit of a point, though.

               

         I forget what I said in return, but it was something bitingly witty, probably about his homosexual tendencies. Anyway, it was really good, but he can’t take a joke when he hears one, so he hung up on me.



two seconds later

                Long distance relationships can be hard. No wonder people are always telling us about Turkey Drop (that’s when a long distance couple breaks up around Thanksgiving.) (We’re not going to do that because Turkey Drop is even more stupider than having a pancake face.) (So I will just have to put up with this verbal abuse.)

later

                Went out for dinner with my mom and dad, since my siblings had Youth Group and the prayer group I’ve been trying to put together didn’t really show up after Mass. My father got a bit emotional because I am his first nest egg and I am turning eighteen in a week. “That makes you feel pretty old, doesn’t it?” I asked him.

                “It’s true,” he said. “I am 51 already.”

                This was a bit of a shock to me, since I always knew he was freakishly old but not dinosaur old. “Really?”

                “No, he’s 42,” my mother said.

                “Really?”

                “She’s lying,” my father said. “I’m actually 45.”

                “Really?”

                “No, he’s 39.”

                You can imagine what a state of confusion and general turmoil this put me in. Though I am brilliant, I am not the most competent with numbers. In the end, I figured out that he is somewhere between 44 and 52 years old, which is good enough for me.

9:04pm

                “Everybody says I look too young to have a seventeen-year-old,” my mother bragged later. “They say I must have gotten married young to have you.”

                “Did you tell them you were a child bride?” I asked.

                “She was not a child bride, don’t be ridiculous,” my father said.

                “You just don’t like that term because you were the gross old man who married her illegally,” I said.

                My father gave me a look that said ‘I am not sure if you are my daughter or a rhinoceros’.

   

9:11pm

                Then my father told me to go pick up my siblings from Youth Group. “Sure!” I said.

                He paused. “Wait, but… if you drive all three of my nest eggs in one car… what if you crack one?”

                “Well I can’t very well drive two cars at once, can I?”

                “But I want all my nest eggs to arrive home in one piece,” he said.

                “Don’t worry,” I told him. “I’ve only gotten in five car accidents and they all happened when I first got my license. I haven’t hit anything for like four months.  Except for the trash can and that one didn’t count.”

                “Oh, dear,” my father said.

                “Dad, they were just little baby car accidents!”

                The end verdict was that I couldn’t pick my siblings up from Youth Group, because my so-called paterfamilias is paranoid.

9:17pm

                My father tried to make me feel better about being an ‘irresponsible teenage driver’ by telling me that I looked pretty. I knew this wasn’t true because I was wearing a sweater, jeans, and a scarf, but I played along.

                “Thanks Daddy, you know what they say, ‘modest is hottest’! So I’m looking SMOKING hot right now!”

                Both my parents stared at me.

                “Is that a real saying?” my mother asked.

                “Of course!” I said.

                “I don’t even… that's... I’m at a loss for words,” my father said.

                “Me too,” my mother said.

                They can be so strange.

9:45pm

                Went downstairs and showed my mother a few pictures of Marc that I have saved on my phone. “Aw, these are nice,” my mother said. “His hair’s getting longer!”

                “Yeah, I told him to grow it out,” I said.

                She gave me a Strict Look. “Did he tell you to grow your hair out, too?” But when she said these words, her tone of voice was saying, “Please grow your hair so you don’t look like a lezzy anymore.”

                I think she is just jealous of my fluffy little mane.

Elaine's Diary, aka Extracurricular Tomfoolery

monday, september 12

6:40am

                At last, I feel fit as a fiddle! I am on the mend! I have been saying that I’m on the mend for a long time, but now I really mean it. Since my healthy body can do anything, I think I’ll go for a run!

10:45am

environmental science

                Remember way back when I said I would go for a run? I lied about that. I actually went to sleep and was very nearly late for marching band rehearsal. Luckily I am a drum major and I do what I want.

10:48am

                This is super cute, I’m in Environmental Science and we’re watching Planet Earth. Aww, it’s a big herd of gazelles. Look at all the babies! Look at the baby gazelles!

10:49am

                Aw they’re all running, this is adorable. Look at them run through that stream.

10:51am

                OH DEAR LORD A WOLF JUST ATE A BABY GAZELLE.

two seconds later

                IT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE AND CHASED THE BABY GAZELLE AROUND AND THEN BIT ITS NECK.

two seconds later

                Oh, no. Here come more wolves. Please, Baby Jesus. Don’t let this happen.

10:55am

                I hate my life.

2:17pm

                Well, now that I’ve seen all the dead baby animals that I can handle, let’s talk about something else.

                So… on Saturday I went to Chick-fil-A, where I used to work, and I turned into a man-eating siren. It wasn’t on purpose, I just started talking to the new cashier guy and he got so flustered that he forgot to put a lid on my lemonade. That’s when I realized I had worked some charming siren powers over him. Unfortunately, he did not give me free food or anything of the sort. Well, at least I know that my short hair is not completely unattractive.

two minutes later

                Although to be fair, he could have been flustered because sometimes I just sort of let my mouth take over and it says things that shouldn’t have left my brain in the first place.

later

                Now that I think about it, I did start listing all the things in my purse as I searched for change. Maybe that made him uncomfortable.

later

                And guess what else happened that day? I’ll tell you what happened. An old, friendly grandmother type cut me off in line at Walmart! There I was, placing my items on the conveyor belt, when she came through the line the wrong way—from around by the bagging area, I mean. And she saw me and said, “Oh, sorry, honey, didn’t mean to cut you off there!” In a jolly grandmother voice.

                Then guess what she did?

                I’ll tell you what she did. She gave her things to the cashier to check out.

                While I stood with my items on the conveyor belt.

Later

                I think my personal favorite part was when Grandma Rude refused to pay. But she did it with a very caring, polite manner. I drew a picture to illustrate.

9:03pm

                Just got home from practice with our church’s youth band. I am quite the Extracurricular Queen. Anyway, it’s time to do my Spanish homework. We’ve been assigned to spend two hours listening to someone speak el espanol, so I am going to pop in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone and set the language to Spanish.

9:40pm

                Spanish Hermione is so sassy. All she does is sass at Ron and Harry. The voice actor must have missed the part where Hermione is the nerdy-yet-likeable lead female, because all her lines are like “You’ve got dirt on your nose” and “Your wand is horrid” and “That’s not a troll, that’s our professor.” Except in Spanish, obviously. Sassy Hermione is adding a whole new dimension to this movie. I hope there’s a twist in the Spanish plot and she gets killed by the three-headed dog.

10:25pm

                Okay, I can’t watch this anymore. Nobody’s killed Sassy Hermione yet.

10:26pm

                Remember that time when the wolves killed the baby gazelle? I think I was emotionally attached to that gazelle, I haven’t been quite the same since.

Elaine's Diary, aka Where's My Dog's Head

(General disclaimer for you easily confused blog readers: this entire thing was written while I had a fever that was worth over a dollar. As in, you know, very high. Okay, nevermind, I can see the looks of confusion on your dim lightbulb faces. The point is that my diary may not make sense, but don’t blame me.)

friday, september 9

8:30am

                Good morning, I am still sick as a pig who as eaten too many truffles. My little dog, Jazz, is trying to cheer me up by getting his head stuck in the washing machine. He is so cute.

8:35am

               Oh, maybe he’s not trying to cheer me up after all, he looks legitimately stuck.

8:37am

                Poor little guy. I’d help him, but since he’s a dog he can probably use his survival instincts to wiggle free.

9:00am

                He still hadn’t gotten loose by the time I left for school, but my mom was trying to bribe him out with a string cheese, so it won’t be long now. The only thing Jazz loves more than string cheese is peeing all over the house.

10:40am

in english class

                Why am I in school? I have a fever of 101.7! That is so high!

10:41am

                Unfortunate Liam* is talking about the purpose of life. He is unfortunate because he has a lisp and because he is a teacher’s pet. He just told the class that the purpose of life varies from person to person, and that the universe has no inherent meaning. He got this from a CS Lewis quote.

                I leaned over to my good friend Nicole. “Oh my gosh, that is literally the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Only Unfortunate Liam could take a CS Lewis quote and turn it into a ‘life is what you make of it’ secular humanist load of crap.”

                 “Sometimes you say stupid things, too,” Nicole said.”Remember that time we were having a class discussion about Thomas Edison and you raised your hand and told everyone how your dad wanted to be an astronaut?”

                “That made sense in context,” I said.

                “No it didn’t,” said the boy sitting next to me.

11:04am

                Alright well I am going home because I feel like Jazz has just peed on my leg (ergo, very sick. I don’t feel like I have actual pee on my leg, however.) (But that really did happen once).

               

12:12am

at home

                I have gone home because I simply can’t function as a normal human being anymore. Maybe if I get a shower I’ll feel better.

12:23am

                That was literally the most terrifying shower I have ever taken. Remember that stinkbug that was haunting my room? WELL IT IS NOW LURKING IN THE SHOWER. I thought I would be safe because I was surrounded by a curtain of water, but as usual I was very wrong.

             The stinkbug divebombed my head. Again.

two seconds later

                I thought it would die once it hit the bathwater, but it turns out stinkbugs know how to swim. They can do a little stinkbug doggy paddle. Also they can climb out of showers. I ran out of the bathroom but it is still in there, biding its time. Waiting for my head to pop up.

                This is the worst day ever.

later

                My daddy came home for lunch to check on me, and I showed him the blog that me and Marc are doing. I’m very proud of it.

                He took a very long time reading my abridged version of Heart of Darkness. “This is quite good,” he murmured.

                “Thanks, Daddy!”

                He shot me a look. “I mean the original text."

later

                I asked him what he thought of my version and he left the room, saying, “Well, Elaine, tomorrow’s a new day.”

i don’t know what time it is because i am sick

                When me and Marc end up on Oprah for being famous, I will tell her how my father was unsupportive of me. She might cry, it is such a bad story.

two seconds later

                If I tell her about the stinkbugs, she will definitely cry.

later

               Let my so-called Paterfamilias know that I am going to be on Oprah. His response? “Oprah doesn’t have a show anymore, Elaine.”

                POOOOOP.

later

                WELL HOW AM I GOING TO GET FAMOUS, THEN???

Hey look, it's a sick lion with my bedhead. And my onesie.

*Unfortunate Liam is a false name because I don't want to embarrass him. He does a very good job of that all on his own.