Elaine's Diary, aka Where's My Dog's Head

(General disclaimer for you easily confused blog readers: this entire thing was written while I had a fever that was worth over a dollar. As in, you know, very high. Okay, nevermind, I can see the looks of confusion on your dim lightbulb faces. The point is that my diary may not make sense, but don’t blame me.)

friday, september 9

8:30am

                Good morning, I am still sick as a pig who as eaten too many truffles. My little dog, Jazz, is trying to cheer me up by getting his head stuck in the washing machine. He is so cute.

8:35am

               Oh, maybe he’s not trying to cheer me up after all, he looks legitimately stuck.

8:37am

                Poor little guy. I’d help him, but since he’s a dog he can probably use his survival instincts to wiggle free.

9:00am

                He still hadn’t gotten loose by the time I left for school, but my mom was trying to bribe him out with a string cheese, so it won’t be long now. The only thing Jazz loves more than string cheese is peeing all over the house.

10:40am

in english class

                Why am I in school? I have a fever of 101.7! That is so high!

10:41am

                Unfortunate Liam* is talking about the purpose of life. He is unfortunate because he has a lisp and because he is a teacher’s pet. He just told the class that the purpose of life varies from person to person, and that the universe has no inherent meaning. He got this from a CS Lewis quote.

                I leaned over to my good friend Nicole. “Oh my gosh, that is literally the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Only Unfortunate Liam could take a CS Lewis quote and turn it into a ‘life is what you make of it’ secular humanist load of crap.”

                 “Sometimes you say stupid things, too,” Nicole said.”Remember that time we were having a class discussion about Thomas Edison and you raised your hand and told everyone how your dad wanted to be an astronaut?”

                “That made sense in context,” I said.

                “No it didn’t,” said the boy sitting next to me.

11:04am

                Alright well I am going home because I feel like Jazz has just peed on my leg (ergo, very sick. I don’t feel like I have actual pee on my leg, however.) (But that really did happen once).

               

12:12am

at home

                I have gone home because I simply can’t function as a normal human being anymore. Maybe if I get a shower I’ll feel better.

12:23am

                That was literally the most terrifying shower I have ever taken. Remember that stinkbug that was haunting my room? WELL IT IS NOW LURKING IN THE SHOWER. I thought I would be safe because I was surrounded by a curtain of water, but as usual I was very wrong.

             The stinkbug divebombed my head. Again.

two seconds later

                I thought it would die once it hit the bathwater, but it turns out stinkbugs know how to swim. They can do a little stinkbug doggy paddle. Also they can climb out of showers. I ran out of the bathroom but it is still in there, biding its time. Waiting for my head to pop up.

                This is the worst day ever.

later

                My daddy came home for lunch to check on me, and I showed him the blog that me and Marc are doing. I’m very proud of it.

                He took a very long time reading my abridged version of Heart of Darkness. “This is quite good,” he murmured.

                “Thanks, Daddy!”

                He shot me a look. “I mean the original text."

later

                I asked him what he thought of my version and he left the room, saying, “Well, Elaine, tomorrow’s a new day.”

i don’t know what time it is because i am sick

                When me and Marc end up on Oprah for being famous, I will tell her how my father was unsupportive of me. She might cry, it is such a bad story.

two seconds later

                If I tell her about the stinkbugs, she will definitely cry.

later

               Let my so-called Paterfamilias know that I am going to be on Oprah. His response? “Oprah doesn’t have a show anymore, Elaine.”

                POOOOOP.

later

                WELL HOW AM I GOING TO GET FAMOUS, THEN???

Hey look, it's a sick lion with my bedhead. And my onesie.

*Unfortunate Liam is a false name because I don't want to embarrass him. He does a very good job of that all on his own.