Elaine's Diary, aka "He was Looking Quite Vervy with his Longsleeve Shirt On..."

thursday, september 29

6:45am

                Good morning, leg hair. Good morning, alarm clock. Good morning, enormous spots on my face. Good to see you all today. Good to know you’re still hanging around. I would have been very sad if one of you had disappeared during the night.

9:15am

                Once again I am attending the Unethical Treatment of Students, aka Psychology class. Our teacher, Mr. Turner, likes to take advantage of our young and impressionable minds to do experiments on us. They are supposed to teach us things about, I dunno, something called conditioning or whatever.

                Oh boy, he’s telling us we’re gonna play a game. This is going to end up with half the class being the lab rats and half of the class being the smart scientists. It always does.

9:17am

                I am a lab rat. Típico.

9:45am

                That was so dumb. I got paired up with Tim and he gave me a list of words and told me to read it and he’d give me points if I said the right ones. Eventually, and by ‘eventually’ I mean ‘after about a minute’, I got frustrated and said a couple really good swear words at him. Then I refused to say anything else and Tim got upset because the experiment wasn't going as planned. Or maybe he was just upset about the swears.

later

english class

Alright! Our English teacher is out so the student teacher is instructing the class today! This is going to be great. She is very timid about reprimanding students, so I can text to my heart’s content with no fear of retribution. Type text or a website address or translate a document.

10:45am

                Our essay prompt today is a really long quote about how to carpe diem, as they say in Jolly Old England. None of us are doing it because the quote is too long. Miss Timid is floundering about like a flounder on the seafloor. Nobody feels bad because we are byproducts of the American school system, and therefore fairly heartless.

10:54am

                Oh, this is fantastic. Miss Timid told us we were just going to discuss our reactions to the quote instead of writing the essay. Probably she noticed that only Unfortunate Liam even had a notebook out.

10:55am

                Now we are in a ‘discussion’. Once again, Unfortunate Liam is lisping away about how beautiful poetry is and how you can memorize a thousand books, but a smart man reads a million. Or something. I’m not quite sure what he’s trying to say, but it’s definitely off-topic, so I’m going to encourage him.

10:57am

                Unfortunate Liam: I just really think that quoting poetry makes everything in life better.

                Me: Yeah, like when you’re having intercourse and you quote the Song of Songs.

Cue pandemonium! We are never getting back from this one.

11:37am

Dangit, Miss Timid has somehow got us on task. Now we are reading The Rime of the Ancient Mariner. I like it loads better than Heart of Dapoaeghoieh because it uses actual English words.

two minutes later

                Oh dear, somebody just asked what a ‘rime’ was.

11:56am

              This is a disgusting poem, the Ancient Mariner is prancing around with a dead pelican hanging off his neck. That is foul.

11:57am

                The Ancient Mariner just met Life-in-Death, who is a beautiful woman. I don’t think she was impressed by him though because, number one, she killed all his crewmates, and number two, he’s got a dead pelican hanging off his neck.

Actually, I bet she’s a metaphor for sex.  We are reading Love Medicine outside of class, and that book is all about Indians getting healed through sex. So I know a lot about those kinds of metaphors now.

after lunch

                Ate lunch in the band room because I am somewhat anti-social. Mr Thomas, the band director, tried to make me leave his desk and eat somewhere else, because I had spread my tuna salad lunch all over his work space. Do you know what I told him? I said, “I’m a drum major, I do what I want.”

                “That’s true, unfortunately,” he said, but his tone of voice said “I am not appreciating your spunk and energy right now.” Then he reminded me that I was only a drum major during marching band rehearsals, and that he was the only person in the world with authority over me.

                He is actually right about that, I haven’t been respectful to any adult but him in ages.

8:30pm

                My mom emailed my Spanish teacher about my grade because she is a member of the Third Reich. But guess what my teacher said! She said that I have “verve” and that I am a “cool kid”! Somebody thinks I’m cool!

8:31pm

                What’s verve?

two seconds later

               It’s slang for a drug, isn’t it. I bet it’s slang for a drug.

Two seconds later

                Actually, it sounds like a Calculus term. After you find the trajectory of f(x), you calculate the verve. Yeaaah.

10:48pm

                Yo chill bro, pass me some of that verve.

10:50pm

                The Life-in-Death lady became really verve when she saw that the Ancient Mariner had a dead pelican hung round his neck.

10:51pm

                Why are you offended? Did I hit a verve when I called you a ‘fat sluggish lardbucket’?

10:54pm

                Speaking of lardbuckets, except actually I’m going to be speaking of the opposite of a lardbucket, which is a beanpole. So, speaking of beanpoles, Marc comes home in a mere 29 days! I did a webcam chat with him and it was nice, except sometimes when I run out of things to say I display autistic symptoms.

                He was really looking quite vervy with his long-sleeve shirt on.