Elaine's Diary, aka Birthday Town

thursday, september 22

9:15am

                Today is my birthday! Happy birthday to my acne-prone face and to my chappy lips! Although, typical, I am once again sick, this time with strep throat. The fever I had a week ago wasn’t so bad because I was just delusional, and that is fairly normal for me. Today however, my throat is so swollen that I can’t swallow Advil! The little pillys get stuck in my throat! How sad is that?

                Très, très triste, as they say in Frenchland. I am trying to expand my knowledge base, which is why I am speaking en français. I have also learned a couple very good Spanish swear words.  For instance, “Me cago en todo lo que se menea” means “I poop on everything that moves”.

               I love languages.     

9:45am

                I conducted a scientific experiment yesterday called “Can I apply mascara to my leg hair?” And guess what? I totally can. It makes me look like a gorilla, but it works.

9:49am

But it was waterproof mascara, so it didn’t rinse away in the shower. I have to wear jeans until I can find the time to rub it off.

9:50am

                Did a little peek at my leg hair while the teacher was writing on the board, and holy crap I may be part ape. Mascara aside, how did I ever grow leg hair long enough to look like that?

10:46am

environmental science

                I don’t know how this happened, but literally everyone in my EnviSci class is a rascally street urchin. What are the chances? Probably one in a million because, I mean, every single person is a scallywag, that's gotta be the biggest coincidence ever. I swear I am the only sane one in there.

10:50am

                Although to be fair, I do have Unfortunate Liam in that class, who is not really a scallywag. Mostly he is just impeded by his lisp.

later

                In Psychology, we learned about a study done on a baby orphan called Little Albert, where they conditioned him to fear anything that looked like a rat.  I wonder who thought that project was okay? The scientists were prolly like, “Naw man, it’ll be fine, this kid’s an orphan so the parents won’t complain.”

later

                Why is my immune system so weak all of a sudden? I can’t even swallow my own spittle. It gets stuck in my throat.

3:30pm

                I’ve taken to massaging my throat as I swallow to help my spittles go down. I look a bit of a mentally disabled student, but it makes me feel better.

3:32pm

                Speaking of the mentally disabled, I’ve got this great idea. All the special needs kids at our school push around a coffee cart in the morning and sell coffee to teachers. However, I think that us students should be allowed to buy coffee from the handicapable cart! There are three reasons for this:

1.       It would foster friendship and understanding between the normal students and the mentally deficit special kids.

2.       Oops, that was a distasteful phrase, wasn’t it?

3.       Anyway, also the other obvious benefit is COFFEE IN THE MORNING!

I’m running out of non-offensive terms for those cart kids, so I’m gonna stop now.

3:31pm

                I had two friends bring me in baked goods on my birthday! I love those kinds of girls, the ones who bake sweeties on special occasions. I myself cannot cook anything aside from soup and apple cider.

7:00pm

                At home, celebrating Birthday Town! Today is me and my sister’s birthday, and yesterday was my father’s. My little brother’s will be in a week, so right now it's an all-out sugarfest in my household. Maybe my throat will let me swallow some eighteenth-birthday ice cream cake.

7:03pm

                Owwwwww, that was really painful! I hate my life.

later

                Although my life is not so bad anymore. I can do many things now that I am a legal adult. I can vote and smoke and buy lottery tickets and porn and get drafted (although my ever-supportive father says no army in their right mind would take me as a soldier). I cannot buy alcohol yet though because I live in a totalitarian Protestant state, aka America.

11:30pm

                I got a lot of nice things for my birthday! First and best of all, I got a WEBCAM so I can TALK TO MY COLLEGE FRIENDS AND SEE THEIR FACES AT THE SAME TIME! Now Marc has no excuse for ignoring me. I also got quite a few giftcards, and my grandmother, who usually sends me a sheet of stickers on holidays, has branched out this year and bought me an anklet. So that is nice.

11:46pm

                My little sister got some dog training stuff for Jazzy, our nice puppy. He is full of fur, you know. Sometimes you can’t even see his eyes. I have a theory that his hair is connected to his brain, and that’s why he’s so stupid all the time, because his brain is hanging out of his skin, looking like fur. I call this theory “hairsmarts”.

11:49pm

                His hairsmarts tell him to pee on everything while we’re out. He also likes to drink all the water in his dogbowl and then throw up. What a cutie!

11:50pm

                All in all, it was a good birthday, I think things went off without a hitch. Aside from not being able to swallow and having to put up with Unfortunate Liam. Oh yeah, and not including having gorilla leg hair.

 Marc tells me that’s the limit of our relationship, putting mascara on my leg hair. However, that’s also what he said about me obsessively stalking church conference photos and finding him in the crowd. And he didn’t break up with me then. So I’m not worrying about my apeish ancestry.

No big deal.