Racial Profiling

wednesday, october 12
7:00am
       Goooooood morning America! It is Homecoming Week, and hence it is
also Spirit Week! Today is Gangster Day, which is perfect for me,
since we all already know what an excellent rapper I am.
       Ooh, I am looking fresh today! Got my sweatpants, and my gangster
hat, and my gold chain… watch out, high school, here comes Swagg
Golden.

7:36am
       Swagg Golden, driving to school… at a stop light, ho hum. Still looking fresh.

7:45am
       Oh dear, I just got pulled over by a cop. He used his flashers and
everything! He says I have an expired vehicle registration—apparently
it expired in September. Oh, GOOD CATCH, OFFICER, YOU REALLY CAUGHT ME
THERE. September ended like two days ago! Does he really not have
anything better to do?

two seconds later
       My house got robbed during my freshman year, you know, and they never
found the burglars. He could be working on bringing them to justice
instead of blaming the victim, aka me.

7:50am
       He’s sitting in his car right now. The flashers are still on and we
are right outside school, which is somewhat mortifying. I wanna drive
away but he’s got my license.

7:52am
       HE GAVE ME A COURT SUMMONS! I hate my life.

7:53am
       Just realized that I was dressed up as Swagg Golden the entire time.
No wonder that copper pulled me over. He was profiling me!

two seconds later
       I got racially profiled!

later
9:03am
       Well that is just my luck, that I would basically get arrested on the
one day I look like a hoodlum.

9:15am
       I’m not sure Gangster Day was an appropriate choice for a Spirit Day,
because loads of kids in our school dress like gangsters normally, so
I can’t tell who’s got school spirit and who’s just a juvenile
delinquent.

9:20am
       Also, today the underclassmen are taking their PSATs, so we have to
stay in first period for a whopping three hours. Luckily I’ve got
Psychology, so me and my best friend Atheist Tim are hanging out and
getting ham.

two seconds later
       By “getting ham” I do not mean that we are purchasing meat. We are
not. “Getting ham” is a gangster phrase that I overheard this morning,
and I’m not sure what it means but it sounds like a good phrase for
Swagg Golden to use.

9:45am
       Our teacher showed us a video about an old guy with the worst case of
amnesia ever. His memory only lasts for thirty seconds! All the other
kids in our class are depressed about it, but it’s making me full of
sunshine. Because get this, the guy can recognize his wife, but every
time he sees her, he thinks it’s the first time in years! He gets so
excited and he loves her soooo much!

9:51am
       I wish Marc had amnesia, then he’d never take me for granted!

10:00am
       Although if he had amnesia, he wouldn’t be able to carry a good
conversation. Oh well, who cares, Swagg Golden can talk enough for the
both of us!

10:40am
       Now we are going down to the school library to make a resume. Resumes
are a requirement to graduate but I think they’re useless. These are
supposed to help us secure a job in the future, but let’s be honest
with our own minds here, no college grad is going to give a potential
employer a high school resume!

10:42am
       “Yeah, you should consider me for an internship because I ran
cross-country when I was a high school freshman.”
       You see what I mean? It just doesn’t work.

10:45am
       Screamy the Guidance Counselor is in charge of getting us to do our
resumes. I’m quite frightened of her. Though to be fair, I would be
screamy too if my job was completely useless.

10:46am
       I think these resumes are a way for Screamy, aka The Man to keep my swagg under
control. And guess what? I already had a run-in with the popo today, I
don’t feel like interacting with The Man anymore! So I am going to
goof off.

noon
       Goofed off with Atheist Tim for a straight hour. Power to the people!

later
4:00pm
       Time to get tutored in math. My toot is a pretty nice woman, except I
get stressed when she watches me add fractions, and she gets upset
when I forget to carry my negative signs. Also it’s embarrassing that
I am being tutored in a class I’ve taken for three years straight.

5:32pm
       Done with tutoring! My toot was a bit frustrated today because I
remembered my calculator but forgot my textbook. Oh well, she needs to
learn that you can’t have everything in life!
       Now I am heading over to Marc’s house to make caramel apples with his
sister, Tough Annie.

later
9:00pm
       I’m home! The caramel apples were a raging success, except all the
caramel slid off by the time I brought mine home. Tough Annie got
really tough when we didn’t have any popsicle sticks for the apples.
It ended up being okay though, we just bought more at Food Lion.
       During dinner, Marc’s parents told me embarrassing stories from his
childhood. Apparently he was a fat blob as a child, but he was also
the most brilliantest blob in all of Germany, or wherever they lived,
I lose track. 

hey, Marc!

Anyway, they can’t make fun of him anymore, because he
is a beanpole now. He even got to play Jesus during our church’s
Passion skit for the younger kids. The youth director casted him as
Jesus because, as she put it, he looks “skinny and malnourished”.

later
9:33pm
       Best news ever!!!!

two seconds later
       I HAVE A HOMECOMING DATE!!!

9:34pm
       I am so happy! I was feeling left out of the Homecoming festivities
because, despite my good looks and astonishing popularity, I didn’t
have a date or a group of friends to go with. But then Tough Annie
suggested that I ask Decent Will, my good friend and the most decent
guy in the whole world. Decent Will is coming home this weekend from
college because he got in a bike accident and scraped up his face a
bit. I hear his brain is a little scrapey, too. Anyway, I asked him
via texty text and he said yes!

five minutes later
       But not to worry, I asked Marc’s permission first. You may think I
have a double standard, since I was upset about him getting asked to
his dance.  The answer to your foolish question is that it is NOT a
double standard because in this scenario, I am not being approached by
future prostitutes! In fact, I am the one doing the approaching! It is
a completely different situation.
       Anyways, Marc said it was a-okay for me to go with Decent Will. I
think normally he would have been jealous, but since Decent Will looks
like Two-Face on the account of his accident, there really isn’t
anything to worry about.

9:42pm
       I don’t mean to say that I am an entirely visual-oriented girl.
Personality counts, too. If it didn’t, I would be out of luck, seeing
as I have lezzy hair, a pancake face, and I wear Oobies on my hands at
night so I don’t scratch myself in my sleep. Sometimes it is only my
upstanding moral character that gets me through.