This will all make sense shortly.
monday, october 3
7:15am
Holy POOP it is nipply
outside! Where did summer go? It seems like just yesterday I was shaving my
legs regularly and squeezing into shorty shorts. Now all of a sudden I need to
bust out the unflattering winter coat. Sigh.
7:20am
Can’t find my winter coat.
Instead, I’ll wear a dress and my muffin hat! It’s a nice knit hat in the shape
of a muffin. You may have already inferred this. That’s because you are a
lovely, nice smart diary-peeker.
7:39am
Dangit,
I forgot that I have marching band rehearsal this morning. It’s hard to be
taken seriously as a drum major when there’s a muffin on your head.
9:00am
Even
though I am wearing every knit article of clothing I own (ie knit dress, knit
muffin hat, knit sweater, knit tights) I still feel like a camel on an ice
floe. Ergo, very cold.
Maybe
I should have worn my knit boots too.
10:45am
Off to English now. I’ve
been getting some strange looks from people. I can’t tell if they are stunned
by my beauty or by the sheer amount of knit that I am wearing. Probably both.
11:30am
I love English class. Our
teacher is threatening Unfortunate Liam with a toy sword. She calls it Grumpy
Sword.
11:31am
Oh dear, she has a Grumpy
Rock, too. She’s brandishing it at us cause we’re doing something wrong. I’m
not sure exactly what though because I was talking and not paying attention.
two seconds later
Grumpy
Rock is quite a large size. I’m starting to feel a little unsafe.
11:33am
Now she’s threatening us
with Grumpy Baseball Bat. Maybe we should stop talking or something.
12:10pm
lunch
I’m eating my lunch in the
band room again. I’ve never actually had lunch in the cafeteria with all the
other kids, they are all normal and it makes me insecure.
Speaking
of insecurity, it is that time of year when boys ask girls to Homecoming in ‘creative’
ways, and trust me, it is dead depressing when your boyfriend is on the other
side of the globe. Our school is overrun with loads of signs that say “Homecoming?”
and candles spelling out “Homecoming?” and “Homecoming?” chalked all over the
student parking lot.
I
feel a bit as if I am the only high schooler in the world without a date. I
probably am, actually. I don’t think I know anybody else still doing
long-distance, they’ve all turkey-dropped each other already. Dead depressing.
12:21pm
Though honestly I have never
much enjoyed Homecoming anyway. I can’t dance and I don’t grind with others on
principle (that principle being ‘keep your junk out of my butthole, thanks’).
Also for some reason I never have a date. Once again, boys are probably
intimidated by my beauty.
two seconds later
And by my muffin hat.
three minutes
later
Kind of ironic how “muffin”
rhymes with “depression”, right?
12:45pm
I told Mr. Thomas how I was
depressed and hated this time of year. His response was, “Don’t hate school,
this is the last time you’ll ever be here, you should enjoy it. Besides, you
never listen to what anybody tells you anyway, you just do what you want. So
why be depressed?”
When
he puts it like that, it makes me feel better. It is true that I am basically
the Lion King of the school. Also, I am getting better at math, and I told him
so. “I know now that when things are in the parenthesis you have to distribute.”
“I
don’t even know what you’re talking about,” Mr. Thomas said. “The last time I
took a math class was in 1973.”
12:50pm
Just realized that I have
been in pre-calc for the past three years. Dead depressing.
later
Went out to the breezeway
between classes for once. I overheard a cute couple and it made me miss Marc.
The girl was dropping hints about Homecoming that were steadily growing more
obvious (“Homecoming is eleven days from now, not that I’m counting, haha no
but really. My dress is so low-cut, I’m like
not even going to wear a bra. George gave Amanda roses that had “Homecoming?”
embossed in gold on the stems, it was so adorable.”). Her boyfriend kept saying “yeah” while trying
to touch her butt. At one point she asked if he was tuning her out and he said “yeah”.
She said, “Oh, okay,” and kept on talking.
Young
love is so cute!
later
I found Tim on the breezeway
and I told him I was lonely, so he gave me a hug. I was feeling a bit needy
though so I didn’t let go for a long time. Even once he started wiggling and
yelling, I just yelled right back. I am like a squid who needs love.
4:30pm
I’m talking to Marc on the
phone, but I just looked in the mirror and I have terrible hathair, thanks to
the muffin. What if he can sense that I’m not looking my best?
I’m gonna
cut my hair.
4:35pm
Oh dear, I accidentally gave
myself a bowl cut.
two seconds later
It’s okay. It’s just the
bangs. I can fix this.
five minutes later
So-called ‘mother’ walked in
my room. “Oh my God, Elaine, did you cut your own hair? You did, didn’t you?”
Then she lectured me for about twelve billion years. I was a fossil by the time
she was done.
5:15pm
It really doesn’t look so
bad if I part my hair on the other side.
5:16pm
Who cares anyway. Not me.
That’s who doesn’t care. It’s not like I have a Homecoming date anyway. My boyfriend
lives in Ohio, I can totally conceal this little hair disaster from him, no
problem.
5:30pm
Birds are singing outside my
window. Shut up, birds. I hate you.
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